My Birth/Breastfeeding Journey

My due date was New Years Eve 2020, how exciting is it to have your due date fall on such a spectacular day of celebration.

I had downloaded all of the checklists and crossed off every item that we may or may not need for the birth and beyond. I felt super prepared for what was to come. But looking back, I definitely was prepared in some ways, but not in others.

To be fair, there were a couple of things that happened during the birth (emergency c-section at 37 weeks plus 900mls of blood loss during surgery along with a stint in NICU) that were completely out of my control and had a major impact on my breastfeeding success rate. At the time I didn’t realise that these factors were going to play such a major role in my journey.

At 26 weeks I found out I had gestational diabetes, this was annoying but I adjusted my diet and had it under control. At 34 weeks my feet started to itch immensely, I was monitored and eventually at 36 weeks they diagnosed me with chlolestasis of pregnancy (a liver condition). Considering my baby was also breech and I had low amniotic fluid, they suggested I book in a c-section. At 36+6 I saw the doctor and booked in my c-section for 39 weeks.

That evening my waters broke and contractions started about an hour later. I was in labour for 6 hours before they took me to surgery and finally my baby was born at 5:03am. Throughout the surgery I felt my body change, I was shivering uncontrollably and saw that my blood pressure was dropping, later I found out that my uterus had taken a significant tear while my baby was being delivered and that I had lost 900mls of blood (they only replace blood loss above 1000mls in public hospitals). That explains the shivering and low BP.

Once out of theatre, I got to hold my baby and immediately tried to feed her while doing skin to skin. About a minute later a nurse came and said she had to check my babies blood sugar levels, they were low. The nurse then told me that my baby would need to be monitored in the neonatal intensive care unit and will most likely need a drip and some formula, I agreed of course, whatever is needed to get her well.

I returned to the ward and was told to rest which I did, I was exhausted. When I woke a couple of hours later, I decided it was time to get myself moving so I could go to NICU. My daughter was doing great and was potentially allowed to return to the ward that night. She returned at 10pm, I had tried to hand express some colostrum but wasn’t having much success so the nurse said to continue using the bottle.

The next day I was seen by a lactation consultant who told me to breastfeed, then syringe feed a top up of formula and then pump for 20 minutes. I thought, ok that sounds fine, my baby was feeding and falling back to sleep pretty easily so I definitely have the time to do that. Hopefully this helps to bring my milk in. If only my baby would latch for more than 30 seconds before giving up though.

After 3 days in hospital we were allowed home with some extra support from midwives who would be calling to our house. So, off I went with my high hopes and my breast pump, not getting much more than a few drops at this stage. Once at home, I was exhausted from the routine I was in. Breastfeed, bottle feed, settle to sleep, pump, wash & sterilise bottles AND repeat. During our first midwife appointment in the home, she stated that Amelia was jaundice and she would need to drink more milk to flush out the kidneys and that I must feed her every 3 hours. Of course at this point (7 days postpartum) my milk should have come in but I was still only getting 10mls for 20 minutes of pumping. So we upped the formula to try and flush the kidneys.

I spoke to my GP at this point and she prescribed motilium to help with my low supply. My supply increased to 20-30mls and then plateaued again. I was exhausted, I had no time to rest between feeds, it was like I was feeding triplets, between breastfeeding bottle feeding and pumping. Those 3 hours were gone in a flash and it was time to feed again.

At the 2 week check up, the health nurse was a little concerned because Amelia had not gained her birth weight back. I explained my issues with breastfeeding and she checked how Amelia was latching and bottle feeding. She then went on to explain that with such a large amount of blood loss during the birth, the body would find it hard to make breastmilk and that it was most likely never going to come in. We were then given a referral to get Amelia checked over at the hospital for her low weight gain.

I was over it, Amelia wasn’t gaining weight, I was exhausted, something had to give. So I decided there and then to stop trying to breastfeed. There was such a huge sense of relief initially, but slowly the regret and shame trickled back into my thoughts, I felt like a failure. After a couple of months, when the whirlwind of the 4th trimester was a distant memory, I was able to reflect on this with the help of a perinatal psychologist.

Was I prepared for such a huge breastfeeding struggle, nope, will I do it differently next time.? Hell yes. Will it make a difference.? Maybe not, but I can always try.